The water feels amazing.  Looking up at the pipes and dusty rafters of a large community swim center, I inhale deeply.  Even though there is a lot of noise with kids enjoying their day at the pool,  I am at peace,  because  I am in my element.  Water is always so soothing to me.  I breathe a sigh of relief each time I slip into a warm bathtub–or like today,  go through the motions of making an aqueous “snow angel” on the watery surface.  I realize the playfulness of that thought (and action), and casually look up to see if anyone is noticing the middle-aged lady reveling in the deep end.  Upon confirmation of anonymity,  I feel relaxation pour over me as I experience the freedom of my arms swishing in a flying motion.  Today; right now, I am relaxed and am practicing in a physical sense,  FLOW

 

What the heck is Flow? Flow is a deep subject with me. An obscure concept that has eluded this frequently uptight lady.  Yet this same uptight lady was surrounded by the concept of flow as a river guide one summer in my college years.  You would think that I would have the concept of flow mastered.  After much practice, I learned that the art of navigating down a river for the best ride in the rapids without becoming completely exhausted from paddling, is to look for the current.  (watch for an upcoming post about this experience).  I would love to say that I became a master zen participant in the flow of the river.  But today’s post suggests the opposite.

In my personal hometown of: ‘Run- The-Show City’, there have been far too few moments of spontaneity and really, just plain joy, other than the right of passage moments that take our breath away ie. holding my new babies, weddings or other magical moments.  Sure, I can laugh and joke around,  but I have noticed that I  tend to miss out on the peripheral stuff in my vision of life; the kids-floating-carelessly-by-on-inner-tubes-while I am in my speedboat navigating around rocks- moments.  This can happen with an emotionally complicated childhood I am told.  The tuning out and emotional displacement are natural.   I talk about that here.   But I digress….

We hear about “flow state” in brain neuroscience, where we are in ” the Zone”, and are able to focus and increase productivity.  Have you had this experience?  Yep, it’s pretty cool.  My ADHD brain loves this state– yet it happens so infrequently and out of the blue.  I turn around after working on a project,  and everything is done in a systematic way without even realizing it.  Hardly any effort was expended, and I am in an authentic bubble of bliss.  At times like this, I almost feel a heavenly tap from a higher source nudging me: “Are you noticing how this feels?  You did that!”    The frenzy of trying to do things all at once subsides, and I am not forcing things that don’t necessarily need forcing; a control freak’s (or more pc label: voluntary lifetime administrative superintendent’s) jive.  I’m not trying to say that we can always be in the Zone, but trying to control La Résistance IS just that: RESISTANCE.    Resistence=energy expended.  Unnecessary energy expended on things that don’t matter is pointless.  That’s why I appreciate Zone moments: a moment of seeing what I accomplished without all the anxious energy.  Anxious people, are you with me?  Zone turns to zen.

Going with the flow of life.   I have heard lots of suggestions about this from my husband and kids along the way.   Usually in the form of: “Relax…don’t get so stressed!”.  And I used to resent it, thinking that I wasn’t really that stressed!  Every mom hates the phrase “calm down”..   It is utter irony when one is rushing around trying to get things done for everyone; finding missing shoes, helping fix a kid’s class schedule, etc. to hear that phrase.  But I am not talking about usual mom duties.  I am talking about the need to be busy to feel worth.   In our house, mom is the straight man.  The Ed McMahon to Johnny Carson.  Guess which one my husband is?  I have to admit, he is pretty funny,  but my kids are totally thrown off kilter if mom makes a joke.  I am their reality check.  The person they look to when dad is teasing, and they’re not really sure if they should believe him.  My head shaking no, is their cue that: “ah! dad was teasing…” and their world is steadied.   It is so much easier to be un-playful!  Playful is vulnerable!  Playful means I have to let my guard down.  Awkwardness might ensue.

One of the first times I realized I had too much on my imagined must-do plate,  was while we were scrambling to get to a family event on time.  Playfulness was not on cue.  Heading south on I-15,  we drove by a Ferrari dealership and my  husband quipped: “Hey, there’s a Ferrari dealer, should we stop in and get one?”  Distracted, I irritatedly  responded with: “We don’t have time!…”  It wasn’t until my husband and kids were laughing that I realized what I had said. The expense be damned!  We don’t have time!  It WAS pretty funny.  I can laugh about moments like that now, because I am more aware of my need to gather everything and everyone in a pile so I can see what needs to be done next.  Years of anxiety have prepared me with this great skill.

“Doing” too many things for too many people.  What would happen if I just didn’t?  Maybe Ed needs a vacation from being the straight guy.  A sunglasse sporting Ed McMahon on an inner tube.

Ahh!  And there’s the rub.  Learning to let go.  Go with the flow.  Does this mean I lose my edge?  Do I need to turn into milktoast “flowing” down a drain after no one wants it?  Maybe not.  I am starting to see that this isn’t the case.  It just means moments like this in the pool.  Mindful moments.  Moments where the phrase :”Be still” comes to mind.  Stop playing interference with life.  Stop struggling in the quicksand…….So my daughter has to wear another pair of shoes?  I have seen high tops really look great with a dress in the right setting.  So my kid doesn’t get the best teacher for biology?  That’s life.  And losing that opportunity enables said child to have this same conversation about with their own family when things don’t go just right.  It’s all part of the drenching experience of rolling along with whatever comes along in the river of life.

Now….., I’m going to gird up my loins and gather courage to find my inner tube.